Archive for May, 2013

My First Roll in 6 Months

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One time me and my boy met up for some shisha. Afterwards as we made our way home we decided to smoke up as we had quite a long walk. On the way we walked past a McDonalds and decided to stop for a burger. It was quite late and as we tried to push the door open but quickly realised it was closed. Upon closer inspection we realised that the drive through was open 24 hours so we thought well were not driving i wonder if they will serve us. So we walked past to try and place our order. To our surprise they allowed us to place an order, and we quickly walked to the next window. There was a car parked up awaiting his order, and a car pulled up behind us to place his order, making a sandwich out of me and my friend.

Once our order was ready we went up to collect it and the. Walked around McDonalds to the outside sitting area and ate our food. Then made our way back home.

I was telling another one of my friend about my experience and he was like your so lucky, because one time i tried to walk through the drive through, but they would not serve me at all.

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For my friends birthday i went to camden got him the following grinder as a gift, and took him to primrose hill for the first time and we smoked and enjoyed the view and the company.


So how do you get away with smoking in any location? Well its really quite simple. All you have to do is ask one simple question and let psychology do its work. This is gold dust of information.

The trick is to ask: “Is it cool if I smoke here”

By saying no they will seem uncool, and who would want to do that eh? loool

So I met a genius yesterday who taught me many things. Two things stick out in my mind.

The sure fire way to find out if someone smokes, and to find out what they smoke. There is a simple test. All you have to do is ask them this really simple question and you will figure it out. The question you have to ask is: “Do you smoke?”

if their answer is:

a) “No” – they dont smoke at all

b) “Yes” – they only smoke fags

c) “Smoke what” – that means they are stoners

I have recently been smoking up with a lot of different people of many colours shapes and sizes. Many religious beliefs, or economic beliefs, or political beliefs. Different races, different sexes. And I’m an open minded and social guy, so I always try to find common-ground with people. I try to talk to everyone and engage with them. I keep myself well informed and well-rounded and can hold a conversation about most things. The best conversations are the ones that add something of value or something new or exciting. And those are the ones that you remember most. I’d like to think I added value to someone’s life. The one thing more than any other that brought people together I found is in the words of the king himself “smoke two joints before I smoke two joints and the I smoke two more”‘ bob Marley is passing the joint to someone you are having a deep conversation with. And nothing can bring people together like playing bob Marley music and ending the conversation. “Let’s get together and feel alright”.

Smoke 2 Joints:

Three Little Birds:

So I was at this BBQ at my boy’s house. We were all smoking up, drinking a few beers and waiting for the food to cook. Then one of the people who was there whipped out something form their bag. We all waited while they got everything ready to see what it was. Then we quickly realised that it was only of those bubble blowing things that kids get all excited over. We were quickly surrounded by bubbles and the conversation got flowing again. One of the guys all of a sudden got so excited and started taking really fast. He grabbed the bubble making thingy and too much anticipation and hype started trying to show us something. He said he practices every day to be able to do this. So we were all excited watching in anticipation. He then proceeded to blow the smallest bubble ever. At which point we all were all about to piss ourselves laughing. He then tried again and this time his attempt was a lot better and we forgave him. So what was he trying to do then, he was attempting to catch a bubble h blew back onto the plastic holder and try to blow it into another bubble and then catch it again and blow it into another bubble to make six bubbles inside each other. The most he managed that day was 3. But it was still impressive and you have to admire his perseverance. If he does manage it I promise to take a picture and put it one here.

There are 0 recorded deaths from marijuana ever. You would need to consume 15 Thousand joints in something like 20 mins to get to a lethal dosage. There have been no violent crimes committed by anyone under the influence of marijuana. Marijuana does not cause brain damage, or any other medical illnesses. If anyone tells you otherwise ask for proof. And they will not be able to show you this proof as it does not exist. And if they do show you so called proof. Ask for how the experiment was conducted and for who conducted it, who funded it, and most probably these questions will invalidate the whole experiment.

One of the most convenient places to roll, once you have mastered the art of rolling is on the tube. Most of the people on the underground or any train for that matter are too busy reading the metro or evening standard, or listening to their music player, or playing with their ipad, or has their own problems to care. So usually no one bothers no or cares.

So one time I got on the tube and prepared myself to roll. I thought I might be able to do it on a two stop journey. Boy was I wrong. I got the mix on the paper when I reached my stop. So I held it down and jumped off. I waited for the tube to disappear and wind to stop blowing on a bench. Once the wind died down I prepared to finish the job. Before I could I heard a loud announcement on the sound system. Saying, please keep your personal belongings with you at all times and that the station was monitored by CCTV.

I took that as a sign to get out of there when I realised it was a human voice not that annoying electronic machine women voice, but unfortunately at that precise moment a guest of wind came and blew the paper and spilled all the contents all over me. I put what I could in my hand and legged it. Once outside I found a quiet place to roll, had to top up more backy, but I managed to salvage the roll. And it smoked good as well.


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The most important type of roll. The back strap. This is also one of the hardest rolls to do. If someone can roll a backstrap joint then they should be the ones who should be allowed to roll. A backstrap roll means it is rolled backwards with the sticky bit that you are meant to lick facing down. This means when you roll to lick the sticky side, you have to lick it through the paper as the paper is covering it, but this does mean that there is a lot of excess paper that isn’t used in the roll which is ripped off or burnt off. This makes for a much thinner and stronger joint and a much stronger high. Personally my normal joints don’t come out perfectly every time, so i dont have a lot of hope of mastering the backstrap anytime soon. Ill leave it to the professionals for now and worry about it when i think i will be able to master it. They do after all say practice makes perfect.

Recently two things happened to me that are quite common but the outcome of which is very annoying. Don’t worry this isn’t a story about identity theft or fraud or midlife crisis. The first thing that happened is that i recently submitted my passport to the ho e office for a visa extension. I will be lucky if i get it back anytime within the next 10 years, what with all the visa changes, the thousands of backlogged cases, the olympic games, the boarder patrol strike action, the ever increasing refugee applications. So its probably closer to 50 years, but i not in any rush. The second thing is a much happier story. I recently passed my driving test, thank you very much, and so i have sent my provisional licence off to the DVLA to get it replaced with the shiny new pink full licence, everything is much better in pink.

Unfortunately as both ended up happening at the same time, i am now officially identity less. I cant prove my age, or who i am. I can buy cigarettes or alcohol. I cant go clubbing or open up a bank account, or even withdraw money for that matter.

It is a major problem, and one you fall into by accident. But something must be done about it.

The most important thing when getting high is making sure you are stocked up when it comes to the munchies. Or making sure you have an idea of what you want to eat or the number of the takeaway you want to order from.

So one time i was in my friends dorm room, and we were smoking up and watching a movie when my other friend called me saying he was coming over. Once he arrived and we were in the process of rolling up another joint for him, and we finished asking about how we all were. We gave him the joint to light up, and me and my boy turned our attention to munchy duty.

So before we came to a conclusion of what we wanted to order. Our latecomer decided to tell us a story of the last time he placed a phone order for food when he was baked. And how he wasn’t able to do it as he was laughing to much. And he ended up going to the shop instead. We just laughed at him and continued our debate.

We finally agreed that we were going to order from a kebab place, which took about 10 mins of debating. Now came the hard bit, which was choosing the items we wanted to order. Kebab, or burger, or Chicken shish. This debate took even longer but eventually we agreed to get three different orders and share between the three of us.

Now that we had agreed the food order the hard part was done, and all that was left was the easy part or so we thought. So I picked up my phone and dialled the number, had the order in mind and tried to place an order. Unfortunately all I could think of at the moment in time was the story our friend told us about his failed order, and how much fun we made out of him, that i could do nothing but piss myself laughing and from the laughs coming from my friends the same thought process was going through their minds.

I was laughing too hard i was not able to place the order at all, and the guy on the phone must have thought i was a crazy person. I quickly threw the phone to my boy for him to place the order. But he was also laughing too hard. He then threw the phone to the our other friend but he was on the floor crying from laughter that he was even more useless.

It was then i decided i had to man up, grabbed the phone, and took a deep breath. I was now a man on a mission, so that helped me keep the laughter in check and the serious voice coming through. I was focusing so hard on trying not to laugh that i was just reading out the memorised preordered list from my head and not even listening to him or trying to have conversation.

My mission being done i hung up and let the laughter flow out of me. My boys congratulated me on a job well done. But the congrats soon turned to howls of laughter when they realised i had placed the order to be collected from the library instead of literally just downstairs like we always do. As my punishment i was made to brave the cold wind and trek to the library to collect the food order.

I quickly wrapped up nice and warm and set off on my way, but to be honest, the library wasn’t too far away, and i was back i side the warmth with the food in 10 mins. While i was away my boys prepared the plates and cutlery, so we were able to eat straight away as soon as i got back. By this point we were starving and the food was quickly devoured. And we went back to watching the film.

So one time me and my boy split a ten bag between us, went for a smoke up, and were just chilling. We went to get some food, and after we finished we headed to get the train home. I needed to get the train going north and he needed to get the train heading south. When we got to the station we realised that i had the stash on me and we needed to split it. We were standing right near the escalator for the train heading north, my train, as i reached into my bag to grab the stash. The guy who sold it to us had put it in a ripped off corner of an envelope. I quickly grabbed it and gave it to my boy. He was fiddling around for what felt like ages trying to split it in two. I was thinking to myself hurry up dude. When all of a sudden a door on our right opened up and a women walked out. She was wearing uniform that showed she worked on the trains. As soon as my friend saw her walk towards us he went pale as fuck and nearly wet himself he could barley hear he was so nervous. I on the other hand was calm and relaxed. Once she approached us she said to us, “conduct your business elsewhere, your blocking the way for the escalators.” I quickly looked up and realised she was right, so i quickly apologised, and grabbed my friend out of the way. Once we were clearly out of the way of the escalator, i asked her if this new place we were standing in was fine, and she said meh. My friend had finally regained his consciousness, and asked me what she wanted, as he mIssed all of what she said. I quickly explained, and he was like phew, I thought we were done for mate. I told him hurry the fuck up or take it all, or else we will be done for. I asked what the hold up was and he explained to me that he had no where to put it. I quickly pulled out my baccy pack from my pocket and told him to put my share in there, and to take the envelope. I quickly grabbed the baccy off him when he was done, said bye and we quickly rushed off. The whole way home i thought about the use of the word conducting and chuckled to myself.

This story happened to me a while back. So one time me, my cus,and, my boy picked up from our usual place, and we headed off to find somewhere safe to roll and smoke. So we were walking through a quite residential neghboourhood when we came across one of those nice little parks in the middle of a the street. So we said perfect and jumped over the fence to get in. It was dark as we walked across the minature park to our destination which was the bench. This was a special bench as it had a large thick bush between it and e fence behind it. So we rolled the joint, and sparked up and started chating like always, when allof a sudden my boy grabed me by the arm and put his finger to his lips. So i just sat there in abslute silence wondering what was happening. After a what felt like a good few years my friend released my arm and told me to check if the coast was clear. I quickly walked over to the gate and jumped over. Then walked back to where they were waiting and told them it was all clear. They jumped over the fence and we hurried away, or kept it stepping as my cus would say. As we walked off i asked them who the was, and the response was quick. CID on bikes. They had stopped because the could smell sumthing. We quickly heard why, as they said “i smell fart and its lingering”. Thank god for the bush which was the only thing seperating us from them. And also i guess that no one called, or watsapped, or bbed any one of us, or that we were all smart enough to put our phones on vibrate.


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